If you want to know how women really choose men, don’t bother actually asking a woman. She may confidently tell you how she makes the choice, what she apparently wants, but ultimately it is not the way she ends up with that someone.
When it comes to relationships, women are in charge of the selection process because they control access to sexuality — they let men “in” — so you would think we would know exactly why and how we choose our partners. But the problem is, we, women lie…and actually more often than not, we lie to ourselves.
If you ask any of us what we’re looking for in a man, we’ll come out with a long list of noble qualities: a sense of humor, a guy who’s nice to me and treats me well, respects me, has good values, he is educated, a strong moral character, reliable etc.
Uh huh. Right. And then we leave footprints all over Mr. Sense of Humor or Mr. Nice Guy as we rush to the bad boy often arrogant, career driven, ego-centered who might as well show up in his Porsche. Yup, this is true! And this comes from the least materialistic woman on this planet, which I consider myself to be!
Let’s be honest — if we would really chose men based on what we say we’re looking for, then every nice, average guy out there would be surrounded by girls trying to go out with him. But nice, average guys generally stay home on the weekends with an average date. We, women, are experts at self-deceit because if we would admit to ourselves what we really wanted from men, then we would be forced to acknowledge that we don’t really want a “nice” guy.
What most women want and it is hard to admit or at least articulate clearly are 3 types of security that the men must master: emotional, erotic/sexual and financial. The funny thing is unless these securities are satisfied AT ONCE/AT THE SAME TIME by a guy, we tend to start wondering, be frustrated, and even cheat, capable to run away with the guy that gives us the missing security (even though he might miss one that we already have found). It is a vicious circle for us women and that is why most of us end up at the age of 45+ frustrated to say the least.
The emotional security refers to the need to be loved, appreciated, respected. The man has to continuously make us feel beautiful and unique. Pretty hard job doing this on a daily basis. But most of us indirectly want this and if we do not receive it in terms of warmth, nice words, some compliments, a small kiss or a hug, we start looking somewhere else. And that is when we start chatting on fb or whatsapp with another guy, we flirt sometimes, because ultimately we need to feel admired and loved. Most of the tough women, don’t want to admit they look for a guy that would provide this security as we might think it affects our self-confidence. However, we do open up if the man knows how to melt our heart. So, we do want it. On top, this is where we keep on going about wanting a strong man, because somehow we want to be taken care of at an emotional level, we want to be understood, decoded…sometimes in the most ridiculous way (we know that) – but again this is not something that we admit to look for in a man (understanding us at PMS, or when we get, cause we all do at one point, hysterical). It just does not look good to admit, but whether we want it?…yes: we do want it, let’s be honest! Besides understanding, also serving our emotional security, must be a man that can lead us, guide us…and this why we pass by “nice guys” – as we lead them at “hello” already, we dominate them, we do whatever we want with them, and it becomes unattractive. Deep inside, we want to admire the strength of the man, and ultimately this is why we are attracted to bad boys. Their self-confidence, or nonconformism somehow make us believe that he is a stronger man than we are. How we think this goes with an understanding man too – do not ask! We do have unrealistic expectations! And we should admit this too!
The erotic/sexual security refers to the fact that we want to be satisfied in bed and we want to feel extremely wanted. Many women may say that sex is not important or that love is more important, but believe me, if the sex is bad or non existent, even the least sexual woman starts wondering and again looking for something else. We somehow need to be entertained. We want exciting things. We are impossible at this matter because that strong and busy man I just described above, might provide less of this excitement, however, we are hardly understanding on the long term. Let’s be honest – and we pose unhappy, frustrated and unattended. So, let’s admit it girls, we do want to feel always wanted, we want sex too and we hardly say we look for it! (or at least most women say so). It is not on the list necessarily of what I look for in a guy, but somehow it surfaces pretty early in the encounter.
The financial security is the tricky one. Most women do not admit they want a man that could also support them. They never state it. This is because most of us are not really materialistic, however, we are impressed by this quality in men. Because we were raised so, culturally. The man needs to be the provider. This is actually also how most man feel – that is why conflicts arise when the woman is more successful. We want a man with financial strength because it feeds to the security of “taking care of me”. With all honesty I am one of the women that never states she wants a successful or rich man by her side because I always wanted to be independent and not depend on a man, have my own career, be successful. I am getting there, so all fine. The funny thing is when we think further…in the future, we start wanting a security…of a financial kind because we want a house of our own, a family – and we are the ones having the kids (and this is from the least materialistic point of view), so even though we meet someone fulfilling the emotional and erotic securities, in time we develop the need for the financial security too, because we want a man who can be at least at our level financially or a man that could take care of us for example when we start making those kids. This is because, as women, we ultimately want a happy peaceful life and we reflect that desire in the dating choices.
We fail a lot at choosing the right people for us because we don’t truly and wholly admit what we really want. Then we also want things that do not go together. And than we try to cover it up and call it just for fun, exploring around, one night stands, we end up complaining about it to our best friends, but in the end, as women, we owe it to ourselves and to men for that matter to admit entirely who we want or what we want and be damn realistic and honest about it! We might just make better choices, and waste less time and emotions both for us and the men in question. 🙂